Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, August 1, 2023,
In :
Humor
Americans are incredibly impatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.
-- Jim Rohn
Posted by Ira Chayut on Monday, June 26, 2023,
In :
Humor
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
-- Mark Twain
Posted by Ira Chayut on Monday, June 26, 2023,
In :
Humor
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
Posted by Ira Chayut on Monday, June 26, 2023,
In :
Humor
People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.
-- Betty White
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, June 1, 2023,
In :
Humor
It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children.
-- Alan Alda
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, February 2, 2023,
In :
Humor
My choice early in lei was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.
-- Harry S. Truman
Posted by Ira Chayut on Friday, December 2, 2022,
In :
Humor
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
-- Erma Bombeck
Posted by Ira Chayut on Friday, December 2, 2022,
In :
Humor
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
-- David Letterman
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, September 20, 2022,
In :
Humor
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
-- Bill Vaughan
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, September 20, 2022,
In :
Humor
To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
-- George W. Bush
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, September 13, 2022,
In :
Humor
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, September 13, 2022,
In :
Humor
Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
-- Bill Murray
Posted by Ira Chayut on Friday, September 9, 2022,
In :
Humor
A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die.
-- Conan O’Brien
Posted by Ira Chayut on Friday, September 9, 2022,
In :
Humor
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to 'put down.'
-- Bob Newhart
Posted by Ira Chayut on Monday, June 27, 2022,
In :
Humor
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.
-- Henny Youngman
Posted by Ira Chayut on Monday, June 27, 2022,
In :
Humor
With inflation at 7.5%, you lose half your money in 9 years. The only way to outperform that consistently, that I have found, is crypto. Just this year I've already lost half my money.
Posted by Ira Chayut on Monday, June 27, 2022,
In :
Humor
I hurled this computer to its doom from atop National’s 3-story parking garage. As the dust settled, I knew that computer would never lie to me again!
-- Bob Pease
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, June 2, 2022,
In :
Humor
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
-- Ron White
Posted by Ira Chayut on Friday, April 29, 2022,
In :
Humor
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, April 28, 2022,
In :
Humor
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
-- George Carlin
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, April 28, 2022,
In :
Humor
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
-- Will Rogers
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, March 31, 2022,
In :
Humor
The behavior of any bureaucratic organization can best be understood by assuming that it is controlled by a secret cabal of its enemies.
-- Robert Conquest
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, March 1, 2022,
In :
Humor
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: Wish you were here.
-- Steven Wright
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, January 18, 2022,
In :
Humor
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
-- George Carlin
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, December 9, 2021,
In :
Humor
Just spent $300 on a limousine rental and discovered that the fee does not include a driver. Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, November 2, 2021,
In :
Humor
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
-- Steven Wright
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, November 2, 2021,
In :
Humor
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
-- Mitch Radcliffe
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, June 22, 2021,
In :
Humor
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When she's in a good mood it turns blue, but when she's in a bad mood there's a red mark across my forehead.
-- Jeff Foxworthy
Posted by Ira Chayut on Monday, June 21, 2021,
In :
Humor
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.
-- Charles Kuralt
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, April 6, 2021,
In :
Humor
My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.
-- Maria Bamford
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, April 6, 2021,
In :
Humor
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
-- David Letterman
Posted by Ira Chayut on Friday, March 26, 2021,
In :
Humor
Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.
-- John Kinnear
Posted by Ira Chayut on Saturday, January 9, 2021,
In :
Humor
I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.
-- Sheila Lee
Posted by Ira Chayut on Friday, October 30, 2020,
In :
Humor
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
-- Golda Meir
Posted by Ira Chayut on Wednesday, July 29, 2020,
In :
Humor
I went to a costume party and the host asked what I came as. I told him that I was a harp and he said that I was too small to be a harp. He called me a lyre!
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, May 28, 2020,
In :
Humor
I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn't reach the meat that was on the top shelf. He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, March 31, 2020,
In :
Humor
I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations I’ve traveled to, but first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
-- Mitch Hedberg
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, March 31, 2020,
In :
Humor
I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did. It was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers and I didn’t know what the hell they were.
-- Mitch Hedberg
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, November 14, 2019,
In :
Humor
After a long delivery and giving birth to twins - a boy and a girl - the exhausted new mom fell soundly asleep. With the husband out of town, the woman's brother named the tots. He named the girl Denise and the boy Denephew.
Posted by Ira Chayut on Saturday, October 12, 2019,
In :
Humor
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
-- George Carlin
Posted by Ira Chayut on Saturday, October 12, 2019,
In :
Humor
Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? I don’t need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need to tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
Posted by Ira Chayut on Saturday, October 12, 2019,
In :
Humor
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.
-- Doug Larson
Posted by Ira Chayut on Saturday, October 12, 2019,
In :
Humor
It is inhumane in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
-- Dave Barry
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, August 22, 2019,
In :
Humor
The shortest recorded period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain.
-- Jane Bryant Quinn
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, August 15, 2019,
In :
Humor
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Posted by Ira Chayut on Thursday, July 25, 2019,
In :
Humor
I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.
-- Stephen Hawking
Posted by Ira Chayut on Wednesday, July 10, 2019,
In :
Humor
One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
-- Mitch Hedberg
Posted by Ira Chayut on Wednesday, March 27, 2019,
In :
Humor
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Ira Chayut on Tuesday, February 5, 2019,
In :
Humor
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"
The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later." |
Posted by Ira Chayut on Friday, August 31, 2018,
In :
Humor
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read "President Can't Swim".
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
